Ah the times they are a-changing... so goes the Bob Dylan song and the lyrics couldn't be more appropriate for me at this moment in my life. Everything is changing in my world: my location, my job, my direction, even my instruments, my way of composing and making music and the way I practice!
I did talk to an astrologer earlier this year and apparently it's all in my chart baby! Well, chart or not, this past year has been the culmination of years of crisis during which I really craved change. I wasn't sure how it would appear and I wasn't sure how to make it happen but I felt like a chapter was closing in my life and I needed to open another.
Never would I ever have thought I would go back to NZ. Why? Many reasons. One is that when I lived there in my twenties I was an unhappy little creature.
Now of course, this does not have to be an entire country's fault and in my twenties I probably would have been unhappy anywhere... but it didn't help that I was different from everyone there, culturally speaking, and that I already had a problem with feeling 'I didn't belong' in Italy, where I was raised.
The other reason is that I left New Zealand in the aftermath of a very messy breakup with a man I will not name who literally broke my heart in a million pieces and at the time I associated him with the country. I could not see him again without having a nervous breakdown. Almost ten years after I am over it and I think if I met this person again it would be pretty ok (or so I hope!)
Also, I came back to Europe in 2011 because I had missed it like one misses one's mother. My home was not necessarily Italy but Europe. And back then the UK was part of it (ahaha). I am not gonna get into why I chose Scotland because that is another story, but suffice to say I did what I hoped I would do here: make a living with my own business, find a (long term) partner, and make music.
Now being here feels pretty stale. Scotland has treated me well and I have felt welcomed. However I feel Edinburgh has offered me all it could and now I have to move on. A few years ago I started missing Wellington and dreaming about it at night. I went back on holiday two or three times in ten years and I found the city changed for the better.
Twenty years ago Wellington felt pretty provincial to me, now it's a hip place with lots of life, cool food and music. It lives at a slower pace than Edinburgh, but it feels radiant, friendly and sunny! (well, more sunny than Edinburgh). It also is in a country that is not governed by a madman and it contains some dear old friends and family whose relationship I would like to nurture further.
It is true that I am leaving behind one Scottish lassie I will sorely miss, but I am hoping she will one day come and stay with me as a sister in my new house. (Yes Miki, that's you!) The other two good friends I have are already planning to travel away themselves so I reckoned I beat them to it!
The other thing that is happening is that I am moving direction in terms of job and music. For a long time I have been feeling bored with my job as a hypnotherapist. I am good at it and I do love making a difference in the world but I am not the kind of gal that likes to do the same thing for too long. So I will be taking a few months break from it and use those months for reflection so I can decide what I truly want to do from 2022 onwards.
The truth is that I sorely miss music and artistry. I miss having a band, I miss gigging, I miss jamming and just hanging out in bars. I took a course in songwriting with the prestigious Berklee School of Music last january and I started playing piano again and I realised how much I love composing!
So now I play piano every day and compose weekly and I am also writing short stories again! I have been writing a mini-story a day and now I have forty seven! So I was thinking of publishing the good ones once I get to one-hundred with a name like "Fragments",since they are literary snapshots of everyday life. What do you think? Would you like me to share these stories on this blog?
As for the immediate present I am swamped with mundane problems right now that need to be solved so I can literally get out of the country. It turns out moving house , getting hand-fasted and launching a 'overcoming stage fright' course at the same time is quite a stress... (surprise surprise!) But I won't be defeated goddammit! (by the way that's another reason I stopped producing my podcast "Dare to Be Seen". It was just too much work, though very rewarding.
So, my dears, in this time of utter chaos, uncertainty and probably, let's face it, being fed up, I recommend taking a deep breath and taking each moment as it comes. Regardless of inevitable change I feel living in the present is the answer. I can arrogantly recommend a podcast that will help you with this if you are inclined to check stuff like that out:
Eckart Tolle, A New Earth. Yes, it is with Oprah and sometimes she just doesn't shut up, but it's still a good podcast methinks. (see below)
Happy summer and talk next month!